AIRing Out Your Differences: A Family Law Perspective, By Barbara Mountjoy

“I don't pretend to be perfect; I've made mistakes just like everybody else. When I have, I've owned up to the mistakes and moved forward.”
- Former U.S. Rep. Chris Bell


As a family law attorney, I have the opportunity to experience some of the worst days of a client’s life along with them. I deal with people who are going through divorce, losing their children to Protective Services, and losing everything that defines them. It’s often not a pretty picture.

How do people come to such a point in their lives, so void of the AIR Equation elements of happiness--Acceptance, Inspiration, and Respect? Obviously each arrives by his own circuitous route, but often these journeys share similar themes. For most cases, these relationships began from a much different place, one full of hope and open expression of love.

In those early days, there were still mysteries yet to be learned of the other. Each moment was fresh, new and exciting. This joy--and we’ve all felt it, that breathless compulsion when we’re always thinking of the other person, when just their mental image in our heads makes us smile--is what solidifies our relationships.

The adolescence of the relationship seems to be where permanent bonds begin, after the first blush of love and lust passes. The parties come to know each other. The manner in which they settle in with each other--warts and all--can predict whether they will end up in a courtroom as opponents or build toward cementing a happy future.

For example, one partner may be the best cook in the county, but have a terrible track record at financial management. A wise couple will accept both facts as true, and arrange their lives so that partner can shine hosting dinner parties and blog about life in the kitchen. Putting him or her in charge of the family checkbook is destined for disappointment. A troubled couple will ignore the signs of impending disaster and force the partner who can’t handle the finances to do so anyway. There may be a few who survive such a trial by fire, but the majority of couples are hurt and angry when the family crashes and burns--well on their way to becoming adversaries.

Sometimes love blinds people of reality. They become convinced if they just love the other person enough, they’ll change and become the perfect partner. Nearly everyone I’ve represented through a separation or divorce makes a comment about how hard they tried and how disappointed they are that they tried for so long. “You must think I’m an idiot,” they say.

I reassure them that I don’t think that at all. The fact is, no one married the “awful” person they’re divorcing. All the time they’re together, they’re still looking inside their partner for that person they first fell in love with, that person who inspired them to be the best they could be, that person who understood their foibles but cherished them anyway, that person who compliments them and brags about their accomplishments to others. I mean, that person was there at the beginning--where could they have gone?

When someone comes to see me for a consultation, we often talk about that search and the possibility of reconnecting with that “missing” person. Sometimes the break-up is inevitable, as in cases where there is physical violence by one partner against the other or the children--such loss of respect makes it very hard to heal. But often in cases where abiding respect of the couple remains, there is a possibility of resurrecting the pair.

Friedrich Nietzsche said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” Think of the kinds of things you’d do or say for a friend you saw heading the wrong direction in life. Should you do less for your spouse or partner? Studies show that marriages can be saved even in the face of such deep personal betrayal as an extramarital affair, if the parties are willing to acknowledge the human imperfection of the offender and their genuine regret for the conduct that hurt the other party. Commitment to survive even this kind of incident and work through the aftermath together inspires these people to examine their true feelings and realize that deep-seated respect, acceptance, and need for each other builds their bond and can lead them to a place of happiness once again.

If, even after examining the chances of reconciliation, the partners decide to go separate ways, emotional damage can be minimized by each proceeding from a mature point of view. Despite what led to that point, the client is best advised to acknowledge the other’s strengths and needs and deal fairly when dividing property and sharing custody.

What not to do is epitomized in the movie “Liar, Liar,” where a wife manipulates her soon-to-be ex by threatening to make up allegations to keep the man she admits is a great father from seeing his children until he pays her an exorbitant sum of money. This sort of tactic benefits no one, and often returns to bite the party using it in the long run.

Instead, if your partner is a great parent, and it’s clear the children will benefit from frequent and ongoing contact, then provide it. Both parents will make sacrifices. By treating the other with respect and civility, the children learn how to conduct themselves even in contentious situations.

The same is true of property. There are always attorneys who are willing to push the battle for “things” into World War III, and are likely to end up with a large chunk of your money as well. For the most part, things are replaceable. Don’t use property to spite the other person. If you’re both capable of supporting yourselves and can divide the personal belongings in a satisfying manner, each of you will be able to go on with your lives. After all, for the most part, the judge’s signature on your divorce decree doesn’t end the contact you’ll have together. Particularly if you have children, there will be milestones, graduations, weddings, grandchildren--you’ve got to be able to look each other in the eye in the future. Remember the way you felt for each other in the beginning. Focusing on their good qualities will help you do that.

Former U.S. Rep. Chris Bell has this quote, which sums up the essence of the application of the AIR Equation to this situation: “I don't pretend to be perfect; I've made mistakes just like everybody else. When I have, I've owned up to the mistakes and moved forward.” Recognize and accept what is less than perfect in each other, do what you can to inspire the best in each other, and move ahead, whatever the future brings, respecting the efforts the other has made.


* Barbara Mountjoy is an attorney who practices family law. Her website is www.mountjoylaw.com and blog www.awalkabout.wordpress.com.